Befriend Your Inner Critic

by Rochelle Melander

Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us.

—Rainer Maria Rilke

You know the feeling. You’re settling in for a day of writing, when the inner critic  pipes up, “Why are you wasting your time? You’re never going to be good enough. You could be doing something that matters.”

It takes real effort to keep writing when the inner critic is tearing down every good thing we ever thought about ourselves and our projects. We must find some way to silence or comfort this inner voice to move forward.

In the book, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self Therapy Approach by Jay Earley and Bonnie Weiss, the authors suggest that the inner critic is trying to help and protect us. They say,

The good news is that because the Inner Critic actually has positive intentions, you don’t have to fight with it or overcome it. … Instead, you can discover what it thinks it’s doing for you and make a positive connection with it.

The inner critic is that part of you that that took risks in the past. But instead of being rewarded, you were criticized. You might have felt embarrassment or shame. No doubt, you were just a kid, maybe not even able to talk. You probably don’t remember what happened, but a part of you does. This part wants to protect you from ever having that kind of an experience again. Whenever you think about stepping onto the stage—or the equivalent—the inner critic throws a hissy fit.

It’s time to talk to this inner critic and get control of your creative life back.

The Quest

Set aside time to interview your inner critic.

Step 1: Connect to self.

According to Inner Family Systems, everyone has a true self that is strong, wise, and loving. Before interviewing the inner critic, connect to this curious and compassionate part of your being. If you’re not sure about this part of yourself, think about how you are with your very best friends or the small children in your life. This is the part of you who will be able to talk to the frightened inner critic.

Step 2: Visualize

Imagine that the inner critic is a younger part of you, frozen in time. It may help to get a visual representation of the critic, like an old photo of you or an object from your childhood. Picture the critic as being separate from you.

Step 3: Interview

Ask these questions in writing and record the answers. Write down the first things that come to your mind. Don’t stop or judge what the inner critic says. If the inner critic doesn’t answer a question, skip it. You may come back to it later or leave it alone.

• How old are you?
• What happened to you?
• What are you trying to teach me?
• What do you want to protect me from?
• How can I help you feel safe when I write?
• Is there anything else I need to know?
• Is there anything else you need from me?

Step 4: Design

Take what you learned from your inner critic and design a writing practice that honors both of your needs. Maybe your inner critic would feel safer if you promised to let your writing sit for a few days or weeks before you showed it to anyone. Or perhaps she wants you to “fact check” your ideas. Do what it takes to help you nurture your creative self.

Game Play Tips

• The inner critic is a complex part of us. It may take several interviews to understand your critic and design a writing practice that works for both of you.
• For a more detailed look at how to connect with your inner critic, I highly recommend reading the book, Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self Therapy Approach by Jay Earley and Bonnie Weiss.
• It also helps to strengthen your inner cheerleader. See last week’s tip for a process to use.

For the Win

It takes time and effort to honor the parts of ourselves that feel anxious, angry, or embarrassed. It may feel annoying (why can’t we just get on with the work). But like caring for small, scared children, caring for ourselves is a sacred act. Don’t forget that!

Write Now! Coach Rochelle Melander is an author and ADHD-trained professional certified coach. She’s helped hundreds of people write and publish books. If you’re struggling to start or finish a project, connect with Rochelle to create a personalized plan for overcoming procrastination, dealing with distraction, and staying focused. Book a private consultation: https://writenowcoach.com/consultation/